As I work

I have discovered that as I work on my book, I return to years-old thought processes that have since been either discarded, or has become adapted to situations since the first time they were thought of. I've started to realize how different I've been in the past as compared to how I am now. I'm the same person I've always been, but it makes itself apparent how my mental illness changes along with my personality. I feel as if my illness is ripening, working itself deeper into my personality, behaviors, and trains of thought. This is not a complete surprise as mental illness tends to start asserting itself around this time in life, the age of twenty-five. Speaking with another friend that also has a mental illness has made me understand that these things, these mental evolutions, don't just happen to me, and are a part of others natural brain processes.

I have also rediscovered my love of writing that I had been hoping was still a part of me, and a significant one, as it had been. Ideas for writing projects flood my brain, appearing here and there throughout the day, along with ideas for drawings and other such creative pursuits. My brain feels like it has been stretching, and as its "dexterity" improves, my brain's ability to associate one idea from one discipline and another, vaguely similar idea, that is a part of a completely different discipline, with one another, paves the way for many appearing and quickly fleeting ideas. The amount of ideas is so expansive, I fear, that I will have more ideas for projects, writing and otherwise, than can fit into a lifetime. This fear, beginning as a fleeting concern, asserts its dominance over me as time goes on, as most old worries that have lasted, running in the background untouched, tends to do as they have remained out of conscious mental thought for a long time.

I am being forced to analyze my many and varied thought processes that I had previously put in place as methods of dealing with the overwhelming nature that is associated with schizophrenia. I feel as if I haven't done this kind of reflection since I had taken advantage of the "boredom" associated with jail to really think about who I am as a person and what I want out of life. The methods I have employed have certain side effects that I had not even noticed or thought of until recently. Some of the side effects are negative (and quite toxic), some are positive, and some are just handy and provide a skill, or skills, that I can utilize. I have also become aware, not for the first time, of certain control issues that have never been resolved, although not for lack of trying. Maybe I can revisit these ideas later and see if I am in a place in my life where I can perhaps resolve these latent issues.

Writing this book has been a positive and introspective experience so far, and I'm only just in the beginning stages of writing. I look forward to continuing my journey.

The progress so far.

Here is a brief account of all the work I've done for my projects and this blog over the past few days. I will create posts like this throughout the projects I work on, as regularly as possible. I will describe the updates and progress briefly as to not divulge too much information about what is to come, and any memoir type commentary I feel like expressing.

Anyway, onward to the updates.

• Decided which chapters to work on first for my book, "Schizophrenia as I see it."
  
  I have chosen to start with the chapter in which I discuss the description of schizophrenic symptoms as they relate to me personally, using the DSM as a guide as to which symptoms to address. Each symptom will be explained in detail how they manifest for me and how I interpret said symptoms.
  
  I have also chosen to work on the chapter I call "I am not my brain," which is about the archenemy-type relationship of what I consider my self, and what I consider my brain. Both chapters are ready to begin a first draft, although subject to alteration based on the new DSM V. I may have to visit a library to see if they have a copy I can borrow, or at least one I can take photocopies of.



• Brainstormed.
  
  I have expanded and come up with more ideas for projects, including ideas for more chapters in my book on schizophrenia and more ideas for fictional stories and small projects.

A few thoughts...

I had quite nearly forgotten that November is NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month. I am thinking about taking part in NaNoWriMo and attempt to write some fiction with the many ideas I have. I have several premises for novels, all seem equally fun to write. I'll give it some more thought before I make a decision.

On "Schizophrenia as I see it."

I have decided to write my first book on schizophrenia from my personal, first-person experience of the illness. I have chosen this book as my first because it is the easiest book to write with a minimal amount of researching. This book should be able to be written fairly quickly, and I intend to release a digital copy of this book for ereaders.

This book will include many short stories and essays in which I express how it is to live with schizophrenia, as well as the ways I have come to understand and live with the illness. I intend this book to reduce mental health stigma and to be a testimony of a schizophrenic attempting to understand the illness during these modern, pharmaceutical-laden times.

This book will begin by describing my current life situation and how I have come to get there through years of dealing with schizophrenia and life that is involved with such things. I will go into details about the diagnosis of schizophrenia, using both the DSM IV and V, and providing a bit of a history lesson on this historically known diagnosis. I will also include small anecdotes based on my interactions with others that involve schizophrenia or some way of understanding myself and the rest of the human population. Different points in my life and the symptoms and expression of frustration with an illness I do not understand drives me into a few dark years, the memory of which has been all but lost.

I will also cover topics on how I have tried, and perhaps succeeded, to understand myself and my relation to others, illustrated by a description of changes in philosophical standpoints. I will provide a way of understanding myself and how I have had to change behavior and consider new things, as well as make sacrifices, making me able to deal with my illness with as little medication as possible. There are personality symptoms that are associated with schizophrenia, and without psychosis the diagnosis of such is referred to as Schizoid Personality Disorder, and these traits are often an important signature and part of a large, multi-function encompassing illness.

In order to have as much power over my mental illness as I have come to have has gone through stages, each new update being better than the last, but presents certain psychological side effects that accompany these mental states. The discovery of advantages that come with schizophrenia are vast if you just choose to look, which will also be discussed in detail.

And finally, I will discuss the way I see the schizophrenic mind using an analogy involving a computer or program, which includes possible ways of dealing with some of the symptoms without relying on medication as they are viewed as a non-human illness. Perhaps such a point of view can aid in the treatment of other people with schizophrenia.

And, finally, I will create original illustrations for each chapter (or section) of the book, which will be line art so that the illustrations will be able to be included in eBooks of any format.