As I work

I have discovered that as I work on my book, I return to years-old thought processes that have since been either discarded, or has become adapted to situations since the first time they were thought of. I've started to realize how different I've been in the past as compared to how I am now. I'm the same person I've always been, but it makes itself apparent how my mental illness changes along with my personality. I feel as if my illness is ripening, working itself deeper into my personality, behaviors, and trains of thought. This is not a complete surprise as mental illness tends to start asserting itself around this time in life, the age of twenty-five. Speaking with another friend that also has a mental illness has made me understand that these things, these mental evolutions, don't just happen to me, and are a part of others natural brain processes.

I have also rediscovered my love of writing that I had been hoping was still a part of me, and a significant one, as it had been. Ideas for writing projects flood my brain, appearing here and there throughout the day, along with ideas for drawings and other such creative pursuits. My brain feels like it has been stretching, and as its "dexterity" improves, my brain's ability to associate one idea from one discipline and another, vaguely similar idea, that is a part of a completely different discipline, with one another, paves the way for many appearing and quickly fleeting ideas. The amount of ideas is so expansive, I fear, that I will have more ideas for projects, writing and otherwise, than can fit into a lifetime. This fear, beginning as a fleeting concern, asserts its dominance over me as time goes on, as most old worries that have lasted, running in the background untouched, tends to do as they have remained out of conscious mental thought for a long time.

I am being forced to analyze my many and varied thought processes that I had previously put in place as methods of dealing with the overwhelming nature that is associated with schizophrenia. I feel as if I haven't done this kind of reflection since I had taken advantage of the "boredom" associated with jail to really think about who I am as a person and what I want out of life. The methods I have employed have certain side effects that I had not even noticed or thought of until recently. Some of the side effects are negative (and quite toxic), some are positive, and some are just handy and provide a skill, or skills, that I can utilize. I have also become aware, not for the first time, of certain control issues that have never been resolved, although not for lack of trying. Maybe I can revisit these ideas later and see if I am in a place in my life where I can perhaps resolve these latent issues.

Writing this book has been a positive and introspective experience so far, and I'm only just in the beginning stages of writing. I look forward to continuing my journey.